Idiots Of Mercy
by Red Witch
Summary: The gang visits Archer in the hospital.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is at the hospital. I just thought, what would a hospital visit with the Figgis Agency look like? I got this. **

**Idiots Of Mercy **

Mallory was sitting by Archer's bedside reading a book. "Ugh," She put the book down on a table. "If I read any more, I will get eyestrain. How the hell do librarians **do** this all day?"

Mallory looked at Archer. "I do understand now why you rarely picked up a book. Spent most of your formative years studying the three B's. Booze, Boobs and Burgers. With the occasional dalliance into cherry bombs and wild parties."

Mallory sighed. "I'm not saying you don't have a point."

"Hey Mallory," Lana walked in. "How are you doing?"

"I'm over the moon," Mallory said sarcastically. "I'm glad you finally decided to grace us with your presence."

"Well then this should make you **equally thrilled**," Lana remarked. "Come on in."

"Hello!" Pam said cheerfully as the rest of the Figgis Agency walked in.

"Oh, he's _still alive,"_ Cyril sighed. "Oh well. Maybe next time?"

"What are you idiots doing here?" Mallory snapped.

"We thought we'd visit Archer," Pam said.

"**All **of you?" Mallory shouted.

"They wanted a day out," Cyril said sarcastically.

"What about this new thing called **work?**" Mallory sneered. "And even as I asked the question…"

"I know right?" Cheryl snickered. "Ugh. Hospital smell. So boring and sterile."

"Great. Just what I need. A visit from the Idiots of Mercy," Mallory said bitterly. "Thank you so much for the flowers!"

"We didn't bring any flowers," Pam said.

"Exactly," Mallory growled.

"Told you we should have stopped at the gift shop," Ray looked at the others.

"You just wanted an excuse to shop," Cyril said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Ray sniffed.

"Why are **they** here and not my granddaughter?" Mallory asked Lana.

"Because AJ is in school," Lana said.

"She's in pre-school," Mallory snapped. "I'm sure she can learn what a triangle is some other day."

"She already knows what a triangle is," Lana said.

"There you go!" Mallory said. "She can afford to miss a day."

"With what I am paying that very expensive school," Lana looked at Mallory. "They can take her until college as far as I'm concerned!"

"_You're paying?"_ Mallory shouted. "**I'm **the one that shelled out most of the cash!"

"All the more reason to keep her in school," Lana retorted. "So **you** can't complain you're wasting **your money**!"

"She's got you there Mrs. A," Pam remarked.

"It's a moot point anyway," Mallory waved. "With what I'm paying here for Sterling to lie around unconscious. It's like his spring break fiascos all over again. Except I don't have to pay any bar tabs, prostitute fees or bail money!"

"Don't knock it," Ray remarked. "This is probably the healthiest lifestyle Archer has had in years."

"So, what have you been up to?" Cheryl asked Mallory as she sat down next to her.

Mallory looked at her. "I've just come back from a safari in Zimbabwe. What do you **think** I've been doing?"

"I don't know!" Cheryl snapped back. "That's why I asked! How was the safari?"

Mallory looked at Cheryl. "Where in the world are your **brain cells?"**

"Ms. Archer," Ray sighed. "You should know by now that Cheryl only has one thing on her mind. As well as one brain cell."

"So how have you been holding up?" Pam asked.

"I know how **I've** been holding up," Cyril whispered to Ray and Krieger. "Being glad Archer's **here **and out of the office!"

"Me too," Ray nodded.

Mallory sighed. "Since Sterling entered the coma, I've tried to pass the time by catching up on my reading. You know? All those books I've meant to read over the years but never had the time to."

"Might as well do something productive," Cheryl nodded.

"Exactly," Mallory nodded. "So far, I've read Anna Karenna, Madame Bovary, The Grapes of Wrath, The Old Man and the Sea…Which by the way should be renamed The Old Man's Unlikely Fish Story. I knew the man. He has one small trout on his line and it gets eaten by a bird and he just had to make a whole big thing of it. God what an ego."

Mallory went on. "I've also read Valley of the Dolls. Which reads like one of my weekends back in the old days. Only I actually have a personality. And could hold my liquor and pills. And a couple Steve Allen murder mystery books. Which were surprisingly good. Better written than half the books I read now that I think about it."

"What are you reading now?" Lana asked.

"Carry On, Jeeves," Mallory said. "By PG Wodehouse. To be truthful I'm not really into this one. It's about a rich idiot who does nothing all day but lives off of other people's money while his butler does everything. And he's constantly getting in trouble with women. Whether it's getting constantly engaged or entangled with manipulative man traps, he's being dominated by crazy older female relatives. I just don't get it."

Cyril remarked. "Too close to home?"

"I got you something," Pam took out something from her purse. "You can have my copy of Women Today. I'm all done with it."

"What a treat," Mallory took it. She looked inside. "Hang on, there's something cut out of this magazine."

"Yeah I cut out this recipe for barbecue ribs using soda," Pam nodded. "Don't worry, the article on the other side is just an ad for a hearing aid. You're not missing anything."

Mallory snarled. "What makes you think I want a magazine with a page cut out of it?"

"Why not?" Cheryl asked. "You did it all the time at our old office."

"You once tipped a maid with a magazine," Ray pointed out. "With several pages cut out!"

"It didn't matter!" Mallory snapped as she put the magazine down. "She couldn't read English anyway!"

She then noticed something. "Krieger! What the hell are you doing anyway?"

Krieger was looking over Archer, taking his pulse. "Just checking his vitals. You know, if Archer does happen to…"

"Get away from my son, you evil little Nazi clone ghoul!" Mallory growled. "Before I return you to the genetic scraps whence you came from!"

"It was just a **suggestion!"** Krieger backed away. "God! You get caught experimenting with a corpse twelve to fifteen times and you never hear the end of it!"

"**This** is supposed to make me feel better?" Mallory asked Lana.

"You should be happy we're visiting at all," Cyril grumbled.

"You're just here to see if my son is still alive!" Mallory snapped. "Don't think you're fooling me you little vulture in a sweater vest! You'd be thrilled to death if my son dies!"

"Well he did offer to pay for the funeral," Pam pointed out. "And the mariachi band."

"I'm not even going to respond to that," Mallory groaned.

"No offense Ms. Archer," Pam said. "But hospitals give a lot of us the willies."

"Yeah, it's been a real _thrill _for me staying here all the time," Mallory said.

Ray raised an eyebrow. "You've struck out with every doctor, haven't you?"

"And every male nurse!" Mallory snapped. "I mean I figured at least a couple of the latter would be your type Ms. Gillette but **all **of them? I smell a conspiracy!"

"Oh dear," Ray said sarcastically. "You've figured out the plot of the Sinister Gay Cabal. To surround you with nothing but gay men so you would go insane."

Pam paused. "That actually does sound like a halfway decent plot."

"It's better than half the plots in these so-called classics I've been reading," Mallory groaned.

"Tunts never really believed in hospitals," Cheryl shrugged. "Especially ones filled with sick poor people."

"You prefer to die horrible painful deaths at home," Ray remarked.

"Or in a blaze of fire," Cheryl added. "Or on a sinking ship. Or on safari with a bunch of lions. But yeah, that's basically the family sentiment."

"My family hasn't exactly had a good luck with hospitals either," Pam admitted. "My Uncle Paul Poovey once went to the hospital to get his tonsils removed. You know what happened? The doctor accidentally cut out his tongue. Never could talk again."

Mallory thought. "You wouldn't happen to have the name of the doctor wouldn't you Pam?"

"Once when my Mom went to the hospital, she had Edie," Pam added. "And we all know what a disaster **that** was."

"You would have thought she'd have learned her lesson the first time when she had you," Mallory remarked.

"Edie is older than me," Pam said. "I think…"

"You **think?**" Lana did a double take. "How do you not…?"

"Don't respond Lana," Mallory sighed as she took a drink from a flask from her purse. "Don't respond."

Ray added. "My Great Grandpappy swore he'd never go to a hospital. And he never did until his third wife dragged him to one for a routine checkup. Bang! Died right there on the examination table!"

"Oh my God," Lana gasped. "Wait, how old was your great grandfather?"

"A hundred and three," Ray said.

"_A hundred and three_?" Mallory did a double take. "What the hell is in that moonshine you people brew down there? And how do I get some?"

"I've always wanted to work in a morgue," Krieger sighed. "It must be such a nice, cheerful working environment."

"Compared to our office?" Cyril remarked. "Definitely."

Ray looked at Mallory and pointed to Krieger. "You can see why we didn't encourage **him **to visit, can you?"

"It was kind of like we had to watch him to make sure he didn't sneak over here," Pam added.

"Speaking of which," Mallory looked at her flask. "I need to sneak down to the corner store and get a refill or two."

"Really?" Lana sighed. "You're going on a booze run **now?"**

"Yes," Mallory snapped. "It's not open 24 hours! By the time I get out of here when visiting hours are over it will be too late! Lana come with me. The rest of you watch over Sterling and don't turn him into a freaking robot!"

"Cyborg! Not robot!" Krieger protested.

"Potato, po-Mr. Roboto!" Mallory snapped as she got up and got her purse. "Come on Lana."

"Why do **I** have to come with you?" Lana asked as she followed her.

"Because the streets of LA are full of homeless people I'd rather not be accosted by," Mallory growled. "I swear the slums of Calcutta weren't this bad!"

"What exactly do you want me to do?" Lana asked bitterly. "Shoot them?"

"Well maybe a warning shot?" Mallory mused as they walked away.

The rest of the gang was in the room with Archer. They just looked at him for about a minute. "Well this is riveting," Ray remarked.

"Lame!" Cheryl groaned. "Why doesn't he just either wake up or die already? Then we wouldn't have to be here!"

"I didn't see any of **you **coming up with excuses to get out of this!" Cyril protested.

"We probably should have visited him before," Krieger remarked. "He is kind of our friend."

Cyril told him. "Archer's kind of a pain in the ass."

"I feel bad we haven't visited him much," Pam admitted.

"I don't," Cyril said.

"Big surprise," Pam rolled her eyes.

"Please!" Cyril said. "If the situation was reversed, you really think Archer would show up to visit any of us?"

"He'd visit **you,"** Cheryl pointed out. "You know? To maybe pull the plug or smother you with a pillow."

"Exactly," Cyril groaned. "And it's that _charming personality_ of his that is the reason he doesn't have a lot of mourners at his bedside."

"I'm amazed his **mother** is still at his bedside," Ray said. "I mean I know he's her son. But…"

"It could have easily gone the other way," Cheryl nodded. "Her just running off and leaving him to whore around like she did when he was growing up. I see what you mean by that."

"It's just weird seeing him like this," Pam sighed. "He's so pale."

"I know," Ray sighed. "It's bad enough he's stuck in this room. Do they really have to have such bad florescent lighting in here? Ugh! I can't take this. Cheryl, I need your makeup for a minute."

"Okay," Cheryl took it out of her purse.

Ray opened up the small case and used the tiny brush inside to go to work. "What the hell are you doing?" Cyril asked.

"I'm just giving him some color," Ray said as he worked. "Highlighting his cheek bones."

"The man is in a coma," Krieger said. "Not going on Dancing With The Stars!"

"It's just a little dab of this and that," Ray said as he worked. "It will make all the difference. See?"

"Oh my God!" Cheryl gasped. "He does look better!"

"And little blush here…" Ray dabbed some. "There! Much better."

"That is better," Pam said. "Damn those cheekbones are popping!"

"You want to see pop?" Cyril smirked. "Cheryl you have any lipstick?"

"No!" Pam gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"I would," Cyril grinned. "If I can get some lipstick."

"I have some!" Krieger took it out of his pocket. "What? It makes my pigs feel fabulous!"

"Perfect!" Cyril took it and smeared it all over Archer's lips.

"Cyril!" Pam gasped. "You forgot the eyeshadow!" She took some blue eyeshadow out of her purse and started applying it.

"Ooh! I have some glitter for his hair!" Cheryl dug some out of her purse and applied it.

"Ooh! And some mousse!" Krieger said. "Really tease it up!"

"Here!" Pam gave some to Krieger. They all went to work on Archer.

Soon Archer was made up with glittery big hair. "Now **that's **a look!" Cheryl grinned.

"That's going to get a lot of looks," Cyril snickered.

"He does look more colorful," Pam admitted.

"He looks like what you would get if you combined Elvis with Tammy Faye Baker," Ray said. "I got to get a picture of this!" He took out his phone.

"Me too," Krieger took out his phone.

"Oh yeah," Cyril took out his phone. "I think I just found my new screensaver!"

"Me too," Cheryl giggled as she and Pam took pictures.

"Well that was fun bonding activity," Krieger said after he finished. "What should we do now?"

"He's in a coma!" Ray snapped. "What else are we gonna do? Re-enact pivotal scenes from Weekend at Bernie's?"

Pam thought. "You know…?"

"NO!" Ray and Cyril said at the same time.

"Why **not?**" Pam asked.

"Yeah for all you know that could be on his bucket list," Cheryl nodded.

"I wouldn't be surprised if it was," Krieger nodded.

"Well we can't just sit here and watch him sleep," Cheryl said. "That's sooo boring! It's like all those times I had to go to some dying relative's house to wait for her to croak. Only without the fun of that relative dying and the scramble to steal her stuff."

"Yeah why can't we make this a little fun?" Pam asked. "Let's get some music in here! Cheer this place up! Here we go!" She found a nearby radio and turned it on. She changed the channel for some peppy pop music. "That's better!"

"I guess there's no harm in some music," Ray admitted. "It is pretty dreary in here. I mean the lighting alone. These walls need some kind of decorations. Hang on!" He used his super speed to leave the room.

"I agree with Ray," Cheryl said. "This lighting is totally too harsh. Krieger, isn't there something you can do?"

"I think I can…" Krieger looked around. "Let me check the wiring." He went to work.

"You know, maybe some kind of activity would be good?" Cyril suggested. "You know? To include him."

"I've got it!" Pam realized something. "If we had some flowers…"

"Coming!" Ray zoomed in. He was carrying a small disco ball and some other items.

"Hey! You got stuff from the Rush Van!" Krieger grinned.

"Good! Ray get me some flowers!" Pam said. "We're gonna have a party!"

"And some glow sticks!" Cheryl cheered.

"Where would he get those?" Cyril asked.

"Never mind," Cheryl opened her purse. "I have some in my purse!"

"Of course you do," Cyril groaned.

"Just help me set up the disco ball," Krieger said.

Fifteen minutes later the hospital room was full of music and lights. The disco ball twirled from up top glittering. There were bright lights pulsing in the darkened room. Glow star stickers decorated the walls. The radio played a very catchy dance song.

Ray and Cheryl were dancing waving some glow sticks. Along with a couple of both male and female nurses. Pam and Cyril were tossing flower wreaths onto Archer, trying to get them over his head. Krieger was drinking and chatting with a female nurse. There were red solo cups in a corner along with some punch made from somewhere.

"Now **this **is how you visit someone!" Ray cheered as he danced.

Of course, eventually the party had to end.

"WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS?" Mallory shrieked when she saw what was going on. She turned on the lights. "IS THAT A DISCO BALL?"

"Hey, Ms. Archer!" Pam cheered. "Come join the party!"

"Party's over!" Lana barked. The nurses fled for their lives.

"Aww…" Krieger frowned. "I had a real shot at that."

"I should shoot all of you!" Mallory snapped. "What the hell were you doing?"

"We thought we should liven things up," Pam explained. "See Cyril and I were including Archer in a game where we play ring toss…"

"You mean Ring Around Archer?" Lana asked.

"And we had some flashy lights on," Pam added. "A little music. A little drinking. Some glow sticks…"

"A **RAVE?"** Mallory screamed. "YOU IDIOTS TURNED MY SON'S HOSPITAL ROOM INTO _**A RAVE**_**?** WHILE HE'S LYING THERE….? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU **DO **TO HIM?"

"He needed some color," Ray remarked.

"Rainbows don't have that much color," Lana snapped.

"He looks like a crack whore!" Mallory screamed as she grabbed the wreaths off of Archer.

"Crack whores **wish** they looked that good," Ray sniffed.

"I can't leave you people alone for a minute, can I?" Mallory snapped as she flung the wreaths to the floor.

"Technically it was almost twenty," Krieger looked at his watch.

"What are you bitching about?" Pam snapped. "You're the one who wanted flowers! We got you flowers!"

Ray sniffed. "Some people are never satisfied."

"I can't believe you guys!" Lana fumed. "How did security not shut this down?"

"We bribed them with some drinks," Pam remarked.

"Thanks a lot **Lana!"** Mallory whirled on her. "I hope you're happy!"

"How is this **my fault?"** Lana snapped. "I was with **you**! You're the one who **insisted** I come with you! And pay for your stupid Jack Daniels!"

"Do not impugn Jack Daniels!" Mallory snapped. "That drink has been more faithful to me than many a man!"

Cheryl spoke up. "And she's had many, many, **many** men!"

"Shut up!" Mallory and Lana snapped.

Lana added. "What am I supposed to do? Babysit them as well as **you** twenty-four seven?"

"Don't do me any favors," Mallory growled.

"I've been doing nothing **but favors** for you ever since Archer got shot!" Lana shouted. "And how do you **repay** me? You complain and criticize constantly! I'm lucky to even get an occasional thank you!"

"Would you like some wax for your cross?" Mallory sneered.

"Just what exactly does **that **mean?" Lana folded her arms.

"Lana I can count how many times you've visited Sterling this month on a three fingered shopkeeper's hand!" Mallory snapped. "And still have two fingers left over!"

"**I'm** the one who drives you to the hospital half the time aren't I?" Lana snapped. "And goes out with you to dinner! And pays half the time!"

"A third of the time," Mallory sniffed.

"I am sorry that you feel that I am neglecting your precious son," Lana snapped. "But I have a child to take care of!"

"Hello!" Mallory pointed to Archer.

"I don't have time or the luxury of wallowing in self-pity and remorse!" Lana snapped.

"And I **do?**" Mallory asked.

"Pretty much, yeah," Cheryl nodded.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory and Lana said at the same time.

"I don't know why I'm surprised at your attitude," Mallory grumbled. "You are after all just the girlfriend. Oh wait, you're on break. You're not even **that!"**

"Just what is **that** supposed to mean?" Lana snapped.

"A baby mama doesn't stack up to the **real **mama," Pam translated.

"Well I wouldn't put it as crudely as that," Mallory sniffed. "But you did hit it right on the nose. Lana, you're not even Sterling's wife!"

"And whose fault is **that?"** Lana snapped.

"We know," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Veronica Deane's!"

"Face it, Mallory," Lana snapped. "Archer is in a coma because of his own selfish, pathological need to fill any vagina he sees with his dick! Coupled with his desire to annoy everyone he meets to the point of rage!"

"How **dare** you?" Mallory gasped. "Sterling is in a coma because of you! He got himself shot in order to save your ungrateful hide from the hoosegow!"

"Which would **not** have happened," Lana growled. "If Archer didn't lie to the cops as a joke. And let his **old lady** try and frame me for a murder she committed!"

"Plus, he had a **cyborg clone**," Pam added. "Who doesn't let the cyborg clone get shot **first?"**

"It's basically Decoy 101," Ray nodded.

"Or use blanks in his gun," Cyril added. "With fake blood packets."

"I know right?" Krieger said. "I have a ton of those in my lab. All right out in the open. Right next to where the cyborg clones were. I really should put those away one day."

"You know you haven't exactly been sitting by Archer's bedside all the time either!" Lana snapped. "Even though you pretend you have!"

"I may have taken an occasional break every now and then!" Mallory snapped. "But I still keep coming back every day to see my baby boy!"

Cheryl looked confused. "Didn't you take a weekend cruise or something?"

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. "I don't know why I thought I could depend on any of you for anything!"

"Oh please!" Cyril snapped. "If it wasn't for **me** picking up your slack **and** Archer's, you wouldn't have a pot to piss in!"

"He's not wrong," Lana admitted folding her arms across her chest.

"What?" Mallory was stunned. "You're on **his side**? Since _when_? Oh God! Don't tell me this stupid relationship is back on again!"

"Ugh," Cheryl groaned. "You don't want to know."

"It hasn't exactly been miserable since both you **and **Archer were out of the office!" Cyril snapped. "We've actually **made** some money in spite of you two!"

"Cyril's really stepped up since Archer went into a coma," Lana defended. "We all have!"

"I'm not gonna lie," Cheryl shrugged. "Life's been pretty sweet lately."

"My stress level is way down," Ray nodded.

"Mine too," Krieger nodded.

"Oh, shut up!" Mallory snapped.

"Boy that's the thanks we get for trying to cheer you up!" Pam said.

"You know what would cheer **me** up?" Mallory snapped. "You lot spontaneously combusting in ball of flame!"

"I know," Cheryl sighed. "But the odds are like a bazillion to one. I'm not saying a girl can't dream…"

"I **knew** it was a mistake to come here," Cyril said. "I **knew** she wouldn't appreciate it! She never appreciates **anything**!"

"I'd appreciate it if you showed me and my son some damn respect!" Mallory shouted.

"Why?" Ray asked. "Neither of you ever showed **us **any!"

"You can show yourselves **out the door!"** Mallory pointed. "I just realized that the only good thing about my son being in a coma is that I have spent less time with you morons!"

"And the good thing about Archer being in a coma **for me** is…" Cyril paused. "Pretty much everything actually."

"Get out!" Mallory snapped. "Just all of you get out!"

"Fine!" Lana said. "See if I buy you another bottle of Jack Daniels in the future! Come on guys. Let's go."

"Finally!" Cheryl sighed as they started to leave. "Can we go somewhere **fun **now?"

"It's two for one at Pita Margaritas," Ray said.

"I'm in," Cyril said.

"Me too!" Lana glared at Mallory. "I could use a drink!"

"Bye Archer," Pam said. "We'll be back again real soon and have another nice visit!"

Krieger remarked. "This has been one of our better get togethers hasn't it?"

"Archer didn't say a single word," Cyril remarked. "It was almost perfect."

Mallory fumed as they left. "I hope you're **happy**!" Mallory glared at her son. "I hope you're happy! You see what you're doing to me? I swear to God Sterling you'd better not end up just dying on me or else I am going to **kill** you!"

"I mean it Sterling. You are not leaving me **alone** with these lunatics! You hear me! I won't tolerate it!"

"Ugh, look at what they've done to you," Mallory groaned. "Now I have to clean this mess off your face. And this glitter…? You haven't had this much glitter on you since the time you spent a week in Vegas at that strippers' convention!"

Mallory looked again. "Although I have to admit. Your cheekbones have never looked better. They really seem to pop."


End file.
